Rememberance

A poem about remembering what our souls know

I haven't been writing for other people recently, 
because increasingly, words feel like a tyranny.
I don’t know how to express all that’s swirling inside me, 
as parts of me keep dying faster than I can even identify their corpses, 
much less bury and mourn them.
How many cycles of transformation must be undertaken in one incarnation?
When does the new life begin?

Slowly, cyclically, sometimes almost imperceptibly,
I think it's finally happening,
and it's not an awakening 
so much as a remembering,
reconnecting
with the things I've always known,
that I hold in my bones,
made stronger for the cracks.

When bones heal, they form a layer of calcium 
that gives them more structural integrity than before they were broken.
truer words were never spoken
about those of us who had to spend a lifetime forgetting
because it was the only way to survive
and then unwind all those manipulations of the mind
that come not only from the culture but inside
undoing our self-gaslighting.

We used to know a lot of things,
as not just individuals but whole societies,
about how to help our bodies heal themselves,
a change in the wind that said it was time to head west,
what hoofprints in the dirt and the sounds of birds meant,
the messages from the plants,
but when we developed private property, suddenly there was a you and a me,
not just we,
and the separation culture took us from this knowledge,
the cosmic divorce, dividing us from each other and the earth.

But there are people who never forgot,
and others of us are remembering. 
The weirdos and the queer ones
those who shapeshift and traverse the subtle dimensions,
who hear the voices that aren't very loud,
divergent to something we never asked to be part of.
We've had to keep it like a secret,
all that esoteric shit,
hide it in plain sight 
so the ones who don't know just think it's entertainment
and the ones who do can find it
and we can come together to celebrate and mourn
and walk each other home. 

On trans day of rememberance,
I am remembering what I gnow
that's knowing with a g
gnosis, the kind of knowledge you don't read in a book
but feel with your soul
and see with your mind
and hear with your body
remembering and releasing somatically
the systems are coming back online, slowly
almost imperceptibly
but it's happening.
and I'm realizing there are a lot of things I already know
that I already had right the first time
I just forgot. 
but I'm remembering now.
and I'm finding the others.

I see you, in all the depth of your experience. 

Author’s note: While I will still be publishing pieces in a more reported format, I am going to be changing things up on this newsletter and experimenting with different forms of expression: blog-style accounts of travels and experiences; photos, zines, and artwork; poetry; reported newsletters; and findings from my research. I’d love to hear what resonates with you (the queer zine is forthcoming!).

I have also recently realized that I have ADD, a topic that I will be writing about more in depth—and starting things I don’t finish has been a curse that I have struggled with increasingly over the years. (For example, I have 67 drafts in this Substack app. That’s barely fewer than I’ve published.) I appreciate all of you who are on this journey with me; I have a lot to share, and as I continue on my healing journey, I hope more of it comes out.